Saturday, 17 June 2017
Almost five years ago, I met a guy.
The first few memories I had of us hanging out can only be described as magic. And even though I've since tried to erase these memories from my mind, there was no denying that at the time, I genuinely thought it was one of the best periods of my life.
I remember immortalising one particular night we spent together as a story in an old blog post (on an old blog), describing just how much brighter the stars seemed to shine, and how much more majestic the night sky was when I was with him. I was in a completely different state of mind. So happy. So light-hearted. Caught up in an insouciant mood. Feeling like the world around me was a hundred times more beautiful, and that nature was a hundred times more wondrous. I was getting into new literature, new films, new genres, new everything. Life inspired me everywhere I went.
When it came crashing down, I had never realised I could feel as much pain as I did when I was depressed many years prior. In fact, I'd say I did become depressed, but never did I think it'd be because of a doomed romance. To be fair to myself, the fallout was instigated by other people, who judged him very harshly, and whose racism towards him/us I had to deal with constantly. This experience completely traumatised me and jaded me to the reality of how superficial most people were. I vowed never to judge a potential partner based on any aspect of their appearance.
The days after we broke up were devastating to me. There was a particular movie called Before Sunrise that I associated with us. He had introduced me to it, and it told a beautiful story of an American man and a French woman who happen to make friends on a train in Europe, and end up deciding extemporaneously to spend a whole day together in the city of Vienna, where they toured breath-taking historic sites while forming what you knew was an instant, amazing connection. They talked about politics, love, family, death, the future, their dreams... It was one magical, unbelievable good day they had together. When they had to leave each other and go on to their respective destinations, the sadness was physically palpable and left shivers down my spine.
For days after my breakup, I kept thinking about this film, and a particular song that plays when the main characters end up squished into a little listening booth in a record store. They can't help looking at each other, but then end up catching each other's gazes and shyly looking away. The unadulterated joy and chemistry that is expressed in this moment and through this song, still tugs my heartstrings, and I often cry when I hear it.
He and I never speak anymore. I couldn't, not after the trauma. I was so depressed that I couldn't write anything creative for at least a year. Nothing inspired me anymore. I used to express myself so much via blogging - I'd listen to a nice song and write a story; I'd catch a small moment of kindness between two people and I'd write a post; I'd be walking home, feel the last rays of a blood-orange summer sunset catch my face, feel its ever-so-slight burn on my skin, and the intense crepuscular light blind my eyes, and I'd feel like writing about this small little moment I had.
So for the longest time, I lost interest in a lot of things that used to drive me and was what made me so passionate about life. It will have been a year on, and I would have been completely over him, yet something in me had never quite recovered. The way that our relationship had been picked on by others, the way I was made to feel when I was with him, and the many derisive comments I fielded, absolutely murdered me and made me forget all the little things I initially thought was so beautiful about the world.
Sadly, I ended up hating him post-breakup. For the indescribable emotional pain that our relationship caused me. For a while, I thought - I wish I had never met him. I wish I wish I wish.
But then if it weren't for him and what I went through, I wouldn't be so much of the (frankly, pretty awesome) person I am today.
Because of him, I now love everything science fiction.
Because of him, I developed an even greater love for film.
Because of him, I became an incredibly accepting person, and have learnt an important lesson about how hurtful even the most inconspicuous judgments about a person can be.
Because of him, I show immense gratitude for all my friends and have shown as much of my love and care for them to ensure that they understand, we're all here for each other no matter what.
Because of him, I have learnt to be more resilient.
So in fact. Thank you to him. While he did not teach me these things, being with him did. And so I don't regret the one and a half years of emotional torture I endured, sometimes without his knowledge.
You get what comes to you in life. You gotta be stoic, make the most of it, and move on.
Enjoy the happiness you have now, and don't take it for granted. Be grateful for the people we end up meeting, for the friends we end up laughing with and crying to, and even the things that hurt. Because once you can do this, you'll be a much stronger and happier person than you were before.
Thursday, 1 June 2017
And when he smiles, I smile.
When he laughs, I laugh.
I feel his fingers around my waist.
His eyes on my face.
And I know this won't last.
But I relish all of it.
That endures a second too long.
I love it. Love it. Love it.